Gathering Grace

Hide and Seek

"I'm praying that you have the heart to fight ...Cause you are more than what is hurting you tonight

For all the lies you've held inside so long...They are nothing in the shadow of the cross..."

mercyme

It is easy for me to relate to addicts. No matter what the addiction: drugs, alcohol, anger, shopping, money. Whatever it may be- I relate. Addicts and drug abusers all have something in common: Hide and Seek. A constant game of Hide and Seek. It gets hard, running from yourself. Running from everything that scares you. My sister found me one morning in March of 2007. I was at my bottom. I had been snorting cocaine for days. Up to 3 grams a day, I was frail. 86 pounds. Empty. I remember the night before she found me. The house. The house was empty too. Full of empty people. There were seven of us. All of us playing Hide and Seek.

         At the beginning of using drugs, you feel “cool.” Anyone who uses drugs and says they don’t feel cool at first, well they are lying. The coolness does wear off. The addiction sets in. And it becomes a bad love affair, a game. Every thought, every waking moment is about the next fix. A game of hide and seek, spending every moment searching for the drug that will help you hide from yourself. You start to look around and realize you are hanging out with a bunch of other people that are playing hide and seek. Hide and seek from their thoughts, their emotions, and their pain. The coolness wears off. “I am different from these people,” you tell yourself.

         Of the seven I was with the night before my sister found me, two have committed suicide. Lives taken by drugs, alcohol, and emptiness. The game of hide and seek becomes too hard. For addicts and abusers-once the drugs aren’t there, we are left with our pain. If the pain isn’t dealt with, we lose hope.

         The pain we are left with when the drugs are away must be dealt with or the using continues. A loss of hope is the worst loss to have. I rarely talk about the fact that the night before my sister found me, I felt hopeless. I wondered about my life, and about whether it was worth living. The depression, the emptiness, the hole in me had grown so big. Giving up the drugs would mean looking at ME.

         My sister found me that morning, thank God. She picked me up, she cursed me out, and she told me I am worthy. I needed her to tell me that, because inside I was in so much pain. I was hiding from all the people who had told me otherwise. Hiding from the mistakes I made, the money I stole, from the boyfriend that hit me, from the insecurities.

         Each day at work, I see women dealing with their pain. Some of their experiences send shivers up my spine, as many of them have been brutally beaten and raped. Some raped at young ages, others because of the places they were while using. They make a choice to grow- they are willing. They start by giving up the drugs, looking themselves in the mirror, and moving forward. Forgiving themselves for past mistakes and accepting their poor decisions, these women begin the process of healing, and with each day they see a little bit more hope. A glimpse of light. To stop hiding means healing, and in the healing there is hope.  Today I pray for hope for the hopeless, and also for those who continue to play hide and seek---may they be found. 

"For the ones who can't break the addictions and chains
You try to give up but you come back again
Just remember that you're not alone in your shame
And your suffering

There is hope for the helpless
Rest for the weary
Love for the broken heart
There is grace and forgiveness
Mercy and healing
He'll meet you wherever you are"

third day

Any input or comments are greatly appreciated and thanks to all of those who have written me!♥

If you want to get involved:

Morris Village Clothesline. I have seen a great need at Morris Village for clothes, shoes, etc. Women as young as 18years old and as old as 70years old are coming into Morris Village with only the clothes on their backs. Any contributions would greatly help: Used t-shirts, tennis shoes, jeans, pajama pants, etc.  

If you are interested in helping please email me at wall.allie@gmail.com. I will pick up if in Columbia. Or you can drop off at my house!

 

Also this December (11^th-16^th): 1 Week Sober.I hope you will join me. 

Visit: 1 Week Sober website. What’s the point?

"Many of us have lost friends and family members to drugs and alcohol. We may still use alcohol or even drugs in a casual manner. 1 Week Sober allows us to stand in solidarity with our friends and family struggling with addiction. It gives us an opportunity to remember the loved ones we have lost to alcohol and drug related deaths. It is a chance to rid alcohol and drug use from our own routines and to acknowledge the destruction these substances can cause." 

 

Breaking the Numbness

I first wanted to say thank you to everyone for leaving comments and supporting me. Each week I question myself on whether I want to continue with this, so thank you for all the support. Your comments are appreciated more than you know.

I wish I could take everyone who reads this blog to work with me one day. Every day that I leave my internship I feel more and more empathy and support for the people trying so hard to stay clean from drugs and alcohol each day. Each day I grow more and more in love with social work and the purpose it serves. As I said before I won’t be mentioning any names or information about the client that may be confidential, but I hope I can share a few of my experiences with you(the ones that have really helped to show me that I am right where I need to be). First I wanted to share that I work with all women. There are usually about 30 women. All of these women are coming from a place of complete brokenness and pain. For various reasons I have chosen to not share anything about my past or my opinions on drug use with these women. This has been somewhat of a struggle for me, as many of the girls have asked me, or often I have felt self-disclosure would be appropriate to help the client (yet I remain private on these matters because I do think it is best).

 Last week I was able to sit in on an assessment of a young woman who came in as an emergency patient (from the hospital). She was smart and strong, and shared her story and history of drug use, her painful experiences in her family, and how she cannot abstain from alcohol, no matter how hard she tries. The intake coordinator asked her questions, and occasionally responded to the woman’s sad stories. She never once cried. She was hard, but I could see pain deep inside of her. I could relate to her. I sat quietly in my chair as she shared her stories-- her mother’s death, her boyfriend’s death, and the loss of her child to the foster care system. Then a story of her childhood- for 7 years, from the ages of 5 to 12 she was molested by her older cousin. I can remember her words, and her pain as she shared, “When I was 15, I found out everyone knew for a long time. Everyone knew all along that this was going on, that he had touched me. My mom had found out, and my dad, and they never once said anything. So when I heard they knew, I got in the car and I drove as fast as I could to the family cookout and I stormed in, screaming, ‘What the hell is wrong with you?’ And that was it. They never said anything. After the cookout we drove home and I was lying down in the back of the car, looking at the stars, and my mom turned to me and said, ‘Is there anything you want to talk about?’ I said, ‘No.’ Nothing else was ever said.”

She continued on with her story, not even blinking at the information she just shared. Numb.

 Wow. I was blown away. Not by the story, not by the fact that her parents did not do anything, but by the dead emotion. She had become so numb. Not one tear. But that wasn’t all that blew me away. This feeling inside of me, this burning to speak up; it took over me. That uncomfortable feeling was rising up in me, taking over, and I was hoping it wasn’t showing on my face. I knew what I would say; it was already there, waiting to be said.

 The assessment ended. The intake coordinator looked at me and told me, “Well that was it.” That was it? What? I asked, “Do you mind if I say something, since this is my first assessment, just to give some feedback.” She gave me the go ahead.

I looked at the woman straight in the eyes. I held back tears the whole time, which I think she could see(this is somethign I need to work on). And I told her, “I just wanted to tell you that I know your mom is not here today to tell you this, but I am…What happened to you for those 7 years, what you went through when you were 5 to 12, was not your fault. You did not deserve any of that. When you were crying, looking up at those stars in the car that night, that is what your parents should have said to you.  They should have said, ‘We are sorry. You did not deserve any of that.’ But I am here, saying it to you today.”

And just like that. She cried. She looked at me, locked eyes with me, and wept, while she kept repeating, “Wow, wow, thank you.”

In that moment I knew it was all God, and He had me right where he wanted me.

Self

It is so hard to focus on anything other than ourselves. I fully admit I have this problem...STILL. When I was using drugs, I remember thinking about how the world failed ME. Selfish, self-centered, egocentric.... the list goes on. I lost many relationships because of my days of using. There were many friends I had to fight to get back.  Many friends forgave me after the lies, the stealing, and the unreliability. There are some who did not.  I am not sure I would have forgiven me. But deep down in my heart, I knew all the horrible things I had done and wanted them erased-- to the girl I was mean to in middle school, to the money I stole from my sister, to the dishonesty I fed to my friends... I was the prime example of selfish, because my life was all about ME and not about God and others.  

Today-- I continue to strive to make it not all about ME. Gah....It is hard. 

I have been realizing lately that we are all connected to each other in such a beautiful way, yet we never stop to really see it that way. I remember, after taking my personal inventory of all the people I hurt along my journey of selfishness and drug use, I could see so clearly. The little links that connected us were so clear. It is so easy to go back to being selfish after you have forgiven yourself for everything in your past. Yes I continue to hurt people, even when I am not even aware sometimes. We are busy talking on our cell phones, checking our emails, and lost in our own worlds to realize the great impact we, and others, have on each other. It could be the smallest comment, to the way we respond to our child or friend, to the phone call we didn't make. We appear to be so busy, so preoccupied...but if we stop, if we listen, if we take the focus off of ourselves-- We can begin to see the connections. We can begin to see the magic that God is working in each of our lives. Have you ever taken an inventory? Of the people you have hurt? I try to continue to do this mentally, as I can see it really helps me see how I create many of my own problems.

I had 4 days of orientation at Morris Village last week, and I really "start" this week! I am excited. I am excited to listen. One person listening, smiling, acknowledging can make a world of difference in someone's day, and in someone's lifetime. I am ready to take the focus off of me. Not long ago- someone listened to me, and it made all the difference.

Last week, I was worn out and tired, thinking about "how hard my life is" (totally selfish) and I pulled into a gas station to get some candy. I had been at The Department of Mental Health all day and was ready to be home. The lady in the gas station walked up to me and said, "Hey sweetie! What can I help you with today? It sure is hot out there, but boy I am thankful to be in this AC."

WHAT??? Here I am, this little brat walking in to the store, and I don't even look up to notice the world around me, yet alone acknowledge her first. She changed my whole day. She made me smile with her simple yet sincere greeting. I realized in that instant what an impact she had on me. She changed my day. I started to realize just how much I was letting SELF run my day. I was tied up in this bondage of me, and I am so thankful that there are people like that woman, at the store, to pull me out of myself. I am so thankful there are people like her to remind me that a smile and a comment can change a day. I just hope I can be that person for someone else, and to do that I can't be so tied up in ME. 

Give Thanks

"Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be

   The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees..." Addison Road

"You are your most vulnerable when you are in the valleys of life. God meets you in the valleys, not on top of the hill." My youngest sister, DuPre has always told me this. She also adds- "It is never good to compare valleys."

I feel like I often forget to give thanks. I can spend a whole day without stopping to look around and realize how thankful I am. I am so thankful for all my blessings, and ALL of my valleys. Tomorrow I start my internship orientation at Morris Village Alcohol and Drug Addiction Treatment Center. I am so thankful. Wow! To think of where I once was...and to see where I am today. It is ALL because of God's grace. Within the past few years I have found myself making the mistake of believing that my entire existence and importance should be based on whether or not I have graduated college. My husband and my friends are good at reminding me that it does not matter. I find myself saying to Drew, my husband, "Why did I waste so many years?" But he reminds me--- I haven't. He is right.

Those years, those valleys in my life, have really made me who I am. The valleys of today continue to mold me. God really did meet me in one of the biggest valleys of my life, and I am so thankful for it. There are certain songs I hear on the radio that remind me of that meeting: the meeting I had with God, in the darkest valley of my life. The quote above is from one of those songs. I remember that day, the first day my eyes had cleared and I caught a glimpse of God. It was in 2007 and I was 5 days into inpatient rehab (after a two year battle with addiction to cocaine). I felt a calm and peace that lasted just enough time to take away all the hateful and horrible things that I had ever felt about myself. Just a moment in time, that brought me to my knees. A whisper, sweet words, "You are loved." That was all it took. That one little moment of surrender. 

I am pretty open about those dark years in my life for one reason: to show what God (not me) can do. In 2007 I checked into rehab, weighing 87lbs. My friend Emily told me, "I couldn't tell if you were a 14 year old or a 50 year old woman."  Ouch. But it was true, I looked bad, and I knew it. I am open about those years, because addiction is so misunderstood and so "hush hush." It shouldn't be. I heard someone say recently, "How does someone get to that point, I mean really... where they are doing drugs every day, at like 11am?" This same person had no idea, that "that someone" was me, standing right beside her. ANYONE can get to that point for various and multiple reasons. For me, it was years of pain that I stuffed inside for way too long, an overtaking self- shame, a guilt, and a lifetime of misunderstanding. For me it was a hole in my heart. Those drugs worked for a little while, filling that hole, that pain. 

I am writing this blog so that I can make addiction and drug use- less misunderstood. I am also writing this blog to glorify how wonderful life can be when it is handed over to God. I will not be sharing confidential information from my internship, but I will be sharing my feelings and my stories. And of course I don't mind the opinions and comments of others. 

 

Bath Salts

Have you heard of Bath Salts? No, not the plumeria scented bath salts from Bath and Body Works. Bath Salts are a new designer drug. Read about it here, here, and here. I wish I could express my outrage for this drug through this blogpost, but I think it is more important to get the facts out there. Bath Salts, Bliss, Ivory Wave, Powder, are all names given to this new designer chemical compound. Meth on steroids (yes it is possible). What does this drug do? Causes psychosis, psychotic episodes, hallucinations, distorted reasoning, and paranoia. Who can buy this drug? Anyone. Me and You. Your 16 year old brother or sister. Bath Salts contain a chemical compound MDVP (for short), and the people who make this compound name the drug Bath Salts, labeling it "not for human consumption," allowing it slip through the cracks. It is being sold over the counter for $20-$50 a container, at local convenient stores nationwide (you can even find them here in Columbia at Disorderly Conduct). Louisiana, Florida, and Missouri have already made this drug illegal. Bans have been placed on the drug in North Carolina, Florida, and others states. South Carolina remains behind. In May I met with senator Vincent Sheheen about the seriousness of this drug, hoping to have him present a bill in the senate. Laurie Funderburk (an amazing advocate and member of the house) has already presented a South Carolina house bill. I hope you take the time to read the article links above. It is extremely important to be up to date on these drugs, especially when local newspapers, such as the Free Times, contains advertisements within their pages, blasting the local sale of the drug. To me, it is like handing out flyers to our teens that state, "Hey if you want to buy some meth, head on over to Disorderly Conduct." People across the nation have been placed in hospitals and committed suicide because of the "harmless bath salts" that are being advertised in our local free paper. Unacceptable. As a parent, teacher, student, or friend are you up to date on the new designer drugs? Will you write Sentaor Vincent Sheheen today, in order to protect our children, siblings, and friends from this new drug. Nothing will change by doing nothing. Please take the time to join me in writing our local senators and governor, or yours (if you are in another state)- so that we can protect our children, friends, students,  and teens from an extremely addictive and harmful drug. You can write Vincent HERE, Governor Nikki Haley by emailing grassroots@nikkihaley.com, and you can contact the Free Times about their ad HERE, and of course you can continue to teach and educate others, spread the word, and be an advocate for our children. 

Some Bizarre Bath Salt News Coverage Here: Bath Salt Binge, Bath Salt Goat Stabbing